Funny roofing.

04 803 34 79

Roofing Jokes

(Roofing jokes courtesy of google+ posts.) 

How many cowboy roofers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Answer: Three. One to hold the ladder..while the second roofer "pretends" to change the lightbulb. The third roofer sits in the van and keeps adding zero's at the bottom of the invoice.

Why do roofers often get in trouble with the police?
Because they are always getting high and flashing.

Why are roofers so nosy?
Because they are always eaves dropping.

Why do roof tilers have so much trouble getting out of bed in the morning?
Because they are bedded in mortar.

What are the most common ailments amongst roofers?
Gutters rot, shingles and hip replacements. 

Whats the difference between a woman and a roof tile?
When you lay a roof tile it doesn't text you for three months afterwards, complaining about your "commitment issues".

Homer simpson on a roof Cartoon of homer simpson drinking beer on a roof with Ray


The gorgeous blond and the roofer 

A gorgeous blond woman calls in the local roofing contractor to repair a leak in her roof.  The roofing contractor sets his ladder up and starts work repairing the roof.

 As he is going about his work up and down the ladder, the blonde notices that he has extremely big feet. The biggest she has ever seen, in fact.

At the end of the day she pays his bill and asks the roofer if it is true what they say about men with big feet. The roofer says, “Sure is, why don’t we go upstairs and Ill prove it to you?”

The blond agrees and they go to her bedroom and spend the night together.

 In the morning as he is about to leave, the woman hands the roofer a $100 note. The roofer says, “Wow! I’m flattered... nobody has ever paid me for THAT before”.

The woman replies, “don’t be, just take the money and buy some  boots that fit”.

Some roofers were fixing a roof in the pouring rain. Halfway through the job one of the roofers needed to go to the toilet. He climbed down the ladder and knocked on the customers door.

“Excuse me madam, is there any chance I could use your toilet?” he asked the lady.

Worried about her clean carpets and seeing the roofers soaking wet clothes, the lady replied “Hang on a minute.. Ill just put some newspaper down”.

With a look of disgust the roofer replied, “If its all the same to you lady..Id rather use the toilet.”

Why do roofers make the best lovers?
Because they climb on top and hammer hard.

Why do roofers make the worst husbands?
Because they nail and screw everything.



  (Some tips and advice for new roofers)

  • It is only once you have climbed back up the ladder and onto the roof, that you will remember why you went down in the first place.

  •  Some of your roofing Customers will not believe in the concept of gravity. They will have no experience or knowledge of it. They will insist on parking their brand new $80,000 car directly underneath where you are about to rip a roof off. They will then look completely amazed and disgusted when a speck of dust lands on the bonnet.
  •  Roofing supervisors will always phone you within 2 minutes of arriving on a new job and ask you what the hold up is, and when will you be finished. This is despite the fact that he gave you the wrong address, it is chucking down with rain and none of the roofing materials have arrived.

  • Sometimes your roofing boss will tell you he has to leave early to, "do some paperwork."  He trusts you and will head off to the golf course happy in the knowledge that you will continue to work hard for the remaining three hours, until 5pm. When you head home try to pick an alternative route. Believe me, it is extremely embarrassing when you realise you have just overtaken him on the motorway.

  • Delivery drivers get paid a bonus. The further away from the roof they drop the roofing materials...the more they get paid.
  • If you take a break after sweating and working hard for 6 hours straight, the boss will turn up 30 seconds after you sit down.
  • There is no such thing as “lending” a tool out. You have given it away and it has gone forever.

  • The vital tool you need to finish the job will either be at home, lent out, still on the last roof, or broken.
  • When you have finished the roof you must spend many hours cleaning up the area around the house. You should employ a CSI forensic unit to check that there is absolutely no evidence that you were ever there. After you have done this, the Lady of the house will still describe it as “looking like a bomb site.” 
  • As you are about to climb the ladder of a particularly steep or dangerous roof, some nice person will always laugh, Shake their head and say "rather you than me mate". Please resist the urge to throw roofing tiles at them.
  • All weather forecasters are sadists. The only true way to work out what the weather is going to do is:
  1. Take the old roof off. (It will then pour down with rain.) 
  2. Don’t take the roof off. (Perfect sunny roofing conditions guaranteed.) 
  • Safety officers have never stood on a slippery roof. As long as you are wearing steel toe capped boots with totally inappropriate soles they are happy.


  • Occasionally you will have to work on large building sites. While working you will often see poor souls wandering around with a terrified or dazed look on their face. These people have visited the terror known as the Porta Cabin. (Mobile chemical toilet or “thunder box”.) Unless you want to spend the rest of your life in therapy they should be avoided at all costs. These mobile torture chambers are now banned under the Geneva Convention.


  • Architects are extremely intelligent beings and far superior to the rest of us. All Architects know how to stretch the laws of physics beyond that which is possible. They know how to make two objects occupy the same space and how to make roof trusses magically float in mid air unsupported. It is hoped that one day they will share their knowledge with those of us that have to make their silly doodles work. Until that day, do not worry if the roof leaks or falls down. As long as it looks nice on the front of Architects weekly magazine,that’s the main thing.
  • All Building Inspectors were bullied at school. You will probably bare a remarkable resemblance to the chief bully.



And last but definitely not least:

The day you do not wear a safety harness will probably be the last day you will ever need one. Be safe. 




 site association    Click for Bad roof jobs.  by simon cowham